i can't help but wonder sometimes.

how i could've been different. how things would be different.

but it's not good to dwell on the past, you can only live in the present and look towards the future.

Currently Listening Far Away Pt.1 By Nickelback see related

xanga...WHAT?!?

xanga has been abandoned.
for the supposedly better "myspace"

what's so great about that??

it's so... impersonal to me.

no feelings.

just a way to communicate with friends.

xanga should live on.

anyways, on a deeper note.

life hasn't exactly been goin my way lately.
at all. nadda. nothing.

but... i don't even really care anymore? i've become apathetic to the way life has been treating me. or maybe i'm just pretending not to care, so that maybe one day i really won't care, and nothing will hurt me anymore.

but do i want to become a person that doesn't care about much??

i haven't cried in a while. maybe i need to.

sometimes i wonder what's happening to me. because this can't be the person that a year ago i wanted to become.

in fact, i KNOW that right now i am NOT the person that i wanted to become.

i think i've been living in a fairy tale dream world where nothing has truly touched or moved me in any way for a while. a barrier has been put in place, where no one has been able to get in.

but maybe that's the way i want it.

there's always so many "maybe's".  is ever anything certain? a truth?

maybe, maybe not.

the ability to differentiate between fact and fiction, truths and lies is a gift that not many people have been bestowed.

anyways, to randomly end this because i just feel like stopping ((mainly cuz i screwed up my hand and it's starting to hurt)):

crazyxbeautifyl: why must one always want what they cant have?
BlazeSoccr07: cuz the thing we cant have is believed to be better than what we have already achieved
BlazeSoccr07: and it has been driven into us to strive for excellence

i've decided to finally do my new year's entry.

i'm not who i once was...

i don't see that person inside me anymore, and in a way, it scares me.

how can so many people change within such a short amount of time??

i don't believe i changed for the better, but i don't believe i changed for the worse either. my weaknesses have become my strengths, and my strengths have become my weaknesses.

my life has flipped

nothing is what it once used to be. once again, i have pushed away those i loved... for reasons unbeknownst to me.

but i guess that's just how i am.

and i wish i could say that i want to go back to 2005, back to the way things used to be...

but i don't.

i am fine where i am. i am fine with my life, with who i am, and i used to not be able to say that. sure, some things are awkward, but i have faith, faith that things will turn out okay in the end, even tho that's not normally what happens.

and i don't know why that this time in my life, where everything i had is now gone, that i can actually say that. that i can say that i am content, b/c in all reason, i shouldn't be content, i should hate where i am, who i am, how i've been lately, but i DON'T, and that in itself is a miracle.

maybe i've finally learned to accept things as they are, and not try to change them for my own wants and needs.

i feel as though i've finally grown up. not completely, but i've made a transition in my life to someplace higher than i once was. last year taught me a few things, and i'm applying what i learned to my life now, and, great thing is, it works.

i feel like i'm more uninhibited, that i no longer have to control myself as much as i used to. i've had so much time to think and contemplate about things in my life that... idk... that's it's helped me to realize things that i didn't know.

i used to always live in the past, i used to always think about things i regretted, but now, i've moved passed that, and i can live a little more in the present.

what a great feeling.

but i have to leave off here...

muchlovee//grace

oh yeah, new s/n: LoveWithArsenic ... don't ask about the s/n, it wouldn't make any sense to you if i explained.

i realized today...

that i could move to my dad's.

and transfer schools.

seriously considering that.

i feel as though i've lost everything.

and i want to start over. completely over. and i think the best way to do that would be to transfer schools. to siegel maybe??

and how would you feel about that?

i'moutt//grace

grounded for a month.

f*ck that.

considering moving to my dad's??

miss me??

muchlovee//grace